


something's not the same

by Princex_N



Category: Mumintroll | Moomins Series - Tove Jansson
Genre: Can be read as platonic or pre-slash - Freeform, Character Development, Character Study, Feelings, Friendship/Love, Gen, Insecurity, Introspection, Self-Doubt, changes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 12:10:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18475948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: There is a part of Snufkin that wishes desperately that he was a different person.It does not rear its ugly little head often, because most days, Snufkin is entirely content to be who he is. For a man who doesn't own much, his self is all he has, and why shouldn't he be proud of it?But then there are the other times...In which Snufkin considers his need to wander, and the potential for change.





	something's not the same

**Author's Note:**

> boy, i really fell quick and deep into this series

There is a part of Snufkin that wishes desperately that he was a different person. 

It does not rear its ugly little head often, because most days, Snufkin is entirely content to be who he is. For a man who doesn't own much, his self is all he has, and why shouldn't he be proud of it?

But then there are the other times. 

The times when Snufkin feels as though he could suffocate under the weight of his own insecurities. Caught in loops of  _You are a Bad Person_ and  _They would be much better off without you_ and  _The only thing that keeps you interesting is the fact that you leave_. 

It does not escape Snufkin's notice that these thoughts are particularly prevalent when Moomin is around. 

When he had first noticed this correlation, he had been embarrassed to think of how he could accuse Moomin of making him feel poorly about himself, but he knows better now. 

Moomin isn't mean, and that's the point. He's so good that just being around him makes Snufkin want to be a better person. Makes him want to be better  _for Moomin_. 

It's just that Snufkin isn't so sure that he's capable of that. 

It isn't as though he doesn't think he's capable of self-improvement. Of course not! Almost everyone is, provided that they're willing to put in the work. It's just that Snufkin isn't so sure that there are ways of changing something that is so integral to Yourself, and he isn't always so sure that he wants to.

Traveling is something that Snufkin loves. It has been since the beginning, and Snufkin isn't sure that he could give it up. 

It makes him feel quite awful sometimes. What kind of friend is he to ignore how Moomin feels just because Snufkin is feeling selfish? Especially when Snufkin himself feels like the guilt could tear him apart when he listens to the thick tone in Moomin's voice when the topic of Snufkin leaving comes up. When he has to fight through the aching loneliness and longing when he is off on his travels during the winters. 

He's tried his best to work around it.  _I'll only be staying for Spring_ turning into  _Well, I might as well stay for Summer_ into  _Fall here is supposed to be quite nice, so I may as well stay to see it_. His promise to return back for Spring  _eventually_ turning into attempts to show up on time turning into showing up early, sometimes by full weeks, because he had been late one Spring, and everyone had told him how depressed Moomin had been in his absence. Had considered more than once allowing himself to hibernate like he hasn't in years, just to allow Moomin the closeness he wants so openly (to allow himself the closeness he wants so secretly). 

So maybe he has already changed, as much as he could without regretting it. Much more than he would have thought himself capable of before he'd known Moomin. He wishes he could push it further more quickly, stamp out the wandering Need in himself and let Moomin have all of his time. 

He thinks, sometimes, that he would do anything for Moomin if only the other would ask. There is almost no part of him that doubts that if Moomin had  _needed_ him, if he'd asked with complete certainty, Snufkin would throw his tent to the wayside and stay in Moominvalley for years at a time. The thought scares him, sometimes. To know that one person could have so much power over him when there is nothing Snufkin has valued more than his own freedom. 

But if Snufkin was going to be tied down by anything, there is no one he trusts more to hold the other end of the lead than Moomin. 

It's not a blind trust, but a well thought out one. Snufkin had worried that knowing about this metaphorical taming would lead to himself beginning to resent Moomin, would lead to something dark and ugly staining and ruining their relationship, but it hasn't. Because no matter how much Moomin may lament or cry, he never tries to force Snufkin to do anything. Whether through an active decision, or through a simple ignorance of the fact that he  _could_ , he has never tried to chain Snufkin down, never uses that power against him. He will be sad when Snufkin talks about leaving, but those sentiments have never once turned into the double-edged blades that Snufkin has endured from so many others before ( _If you really loved me you'd... I'm the one who knows what's best for you... If you would just_ stay _, then I wouldn't have to...)_

There is a certain relief in knowing that things are different this time. 

A comfort in knowing that, even on the days when Snufkin can't stand himself, Moomin's steady trust and admiration won't waver. 

So maybe the thought of changing won't be so bad, someday. Snufkin supposes that, since he's changed this much already, it's not impossible for the trend to continue. Perhaps, one day, that itch under his skin that drives him to  _Keep Going_ will fade, and the thought of settling down, of living in one place and having the same people and things around all the time, won't make him bristle quite so badly anymore. 

Not quite yet, of course, since he can still feel the call of distant places that need exploring and he is still perfectly content with owning hardly anything at all, but maybe one day. Change is part of being alive, after all, and Snufkin has already proven himself capable of it. The predictable elation Moomin would feel upon discovering this change is just a small incentive to not be so opposed to the thought of it any longer. 

After all, if Snufkin was going to allow himself to change for anyone, it would be for Moomin. 

(If anyone was going to be worth changing for, it would be Moomin.) 

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
